I miss being chased by gang bangers.  Here's why:

My neighborhood has a large population of raccoons.   I can't stand them, they're terrible, and psychotic, and mean.  I used to go for night runs.  I don't anymore, because I like my body without bites and/or slashes.  A gang banger would ask for my shoes, and my cash, and my $1.25 french fries I bought from a nearby Vietnamese restaurant (that was not a typo, they sold American donuts, too).

A gang banger would not chase me because he wanted to eat me.   He wanted to eat my $1.25 french fries that I paid for, sure, but not me, me.   A good day is any day you do not get eaten alive, and that's cool.

Raccoons have chased me down streets while I carried thousands of dollars of camera equipment (this, by the way, is still by far my best sprint of my life).  Did they truly want my camera, or my foot?  Do even know how get into focus, and increase ISO?

The day a raccoon takes a fantastic photo with a tilt-shift lens will be the same day a wild raccoon has my severed left foot attached to their keys as their greatest, proven choice of luck.

They've even hopped over fences, knowing I've just arrived home.  With endless patience they'd stalk from their corner, seemingly fiddling their thumbs in perfect rhythm as they dream about sinking their teeth into my face.  Raccoons do not want my gym bag.  Raccoons do not want my computer.   Raccoons do not want my shoes.  Raccoons do not want my clean laundry.  Raccoons do not want my 24 rolls of toilet paper.

Raccoons want to eat me, they have made this life goal of theirs increasingly well-known to me for years.  And that's not cool.

Take my shirt, Mr. Gang Banger, but not my eyes.   I miss that.  I miss being 11 years-old and weighing 168 pounds and walking home half-naked.   This is so much more delightful than dealing with raccoons.

And here's what makes a trilogy – there's now a rapidly growing coyote problem in my area.  Is this worse?  Most would say yes.  I disagree.  I actually see this as a good thing, in a sense where I'm hoping for "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" type of scenario.

It would be like, I'm Batman.

And raccoon is Bane.

And coyote is Catwoman.

They are both my enemies, but this time Bane has gone too far.

And Catwoman and I agree that we have to work together to take out Bane out once and for all.

So I Googled "how to befriend a coyote" the other night, and here are the results:

1. Prevent close encounters with a coyote in the first place.

2. Never feed a coyote or try to tame it.

3. never walk towards a coyote – give them space.

Guys, I'm screwed.